I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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