apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
