I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
