Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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