2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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