he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
