3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
