just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
foreskin is a definite game changer
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.