Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me