my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
