Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
