Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
