its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
