I CAN MOONWALK!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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