Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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