Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
