I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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