You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
