im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
