No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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