She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
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You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
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Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Good thing I've started drinking again
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect