I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.