By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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