Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
