You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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