For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
