I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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