I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
