I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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