then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
