i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
