I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
