I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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