Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
