we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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