I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
