I think my fart just growled at me.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
