saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
