I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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