I am puke
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
worst night to have a conscience
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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