Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Two words: nipple clamps
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