My sheets look like a crime scene.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
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Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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