Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
