new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
my poor anus
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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