home. puking in laundry basket.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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