Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
