so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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