When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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