new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
