dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
