It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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