At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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