my phone needs a breathalizer
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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