I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
