You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
