Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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