You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
