Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
