i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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