well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I have post one night stand depression
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
