oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
