Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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