Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
