So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
