Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
